Chapter XXVII. The Hefty Calf

-Where’s the oil? Where is that damned plate?

She looked into his eyes once more, this time more closely. Her fingers twitched, and almost pounced on his small neck; she was breathing quickly, her face was red, and her body was trembling uncontrollably. She wanted to kill him, strangle him, shove her hand in his throat, rip out his insides, and maybe even chop him into pieces.

She regains composure, exercises self-control, spits on him, and gives him a stronger pinch on the top of his leg, he is nearly choked on screaming, so she carries him, walks about the room with him, and as soon as there is a brief moment of silence, she slaps his face, which causes the baby to cry once more without understanding why. Except for agony, he cannot yet comprehend anything about this world. He was born with it, so maybe it’ll be his fate.

– Slow down, Hatshepsut, you are making me mad, Marwan will die like this!

-Marwan? Damn him, and his name, while thousands of women give birth peacefully every day, but this hefty calf, refused to come out of your womb as thousands of newborns do! Let’s kill him, nothing will heal my anger except seeing my finger stuck in his throat, oh Zainab, I wish you would come back to see what happened to me after you, a fire burning in my chest.

-Are you crazy?! I have no hope of having children after today, I will not have a son except him, it is over, he must live.

She added: In addition to what the doctor said, that he had nothing to do with what happened!

She swallowed her saliva, felt her neck: fuck them all, well, he will live, for one reason, to die a thousand times each day.

A few weeks prior to that, Alara gave birth to a male child who was pretty big and weighed a little bit more than average newborn babies. She experienced a lot of pain while giving birth to him due to severe bleeding, and the doctors quickly intervened to perform an inevitable hysterectomy in order to save the mother and the fetus. However, the price for his life was to live alone for the rest of his life without a brother to support him.

Sardar is satisfied with God’s will and wisdom, happy with the newborn, and soon began writing poems about him, during his travels, leaving the source of his inspiration and his words, in the hands of a mentally ill mother, with a double personality, obsessed with megalomania.

There is no need for justification, as the source of his livelihood is in his frequent travels, and in order to secure a decent life for Marwan, sacrifice must be made, perhaps this is how he thought, the money would compensate him for the absence of his father, leaving him, under the torment that he will suffer.

Or perhaps it was just an excuse, with which the sensitive father, weak and humiliated in front of Alara, justified leaving the boy to his inevitable fate.

Hatshepsut’s mind almost flies away in fear at what happened! Not because she lost hope that Alara would have children after him, but rather since Marwan was unfit for any upcoming transfers.

He is neither Ottoman nor Pharaonic nor Turkmen! A strange mixture of races, so that she almost swears that he carries in its blood extinct races thousands of years ago! Damn him, how could this creature be born!

She cast thousands of piercings looks into his eyes, but there was no hope with him; there was something strange and incomprehensible about him; there was a sparkle in his eyes, not the sparkle of Hatshepsut, but a different, dreadful, terrifying sparkle; even curses were terrified of him. This meant that Hatshepsut’s demise was only a matter of time; one day she would die alongside Alara, and she would be gone forever.

“O you damned fat calf, take this and suckle like a mule”. The infant is raised on such epithets and insults, swallowing the suffering and humiliation—an unavoidable fate etched in the stars for a youngster who grows swiftly.

The baby has grown into a boy during his first year at school, fighting to find himself, lacking confidence in both himself and the world around him, and experiencing various forms of marital violence as well as verbal and psychological bullying.

He was left alone with a manic, reckless lady who had severe schizophrenia and thought a pharaonic spirit inhabited inside of her. She had hurt him just seconds earlier but had already healed his wounds.

It seems as though she is the old man who whipped Fatima and subsequently attended to her wounds nearly eight decades ago.

“I’m not the horrible man you believe I am; I’m merely acting in your best interests”.

She doesn’t think twice about outing him in public, making fabricated complaints about him, or lamenting how challenging it is to raise and manage him.

-Difficult and obstinate, he refuses to listen to speech, and even if he does, he does not comprehend it, and even if he does, he disobeys it. Without occasionally punishing him, there was no other option.

He spent his nights frightened under the bed, and a moment ago she ran recklessly towards the cupboard, and took the scissors in her hand,

She will cut his tongue, he who dared threaten her to tell his father what she was doing to him, “on his next visit, I would tell him everything!”

-I’m your mother, how dare you threaten me? I’m only doing this to help you develop into a strong man who can handle life’s challenges.

These hardships that may make matters worse even the sound of his breath, the knife was only for this purpose, this knife that will cut his neck, if he breathes loudly next to her on the bed, the reckless mother, cannot bear to hear a sound during her sleep, even the sound of her son’s breath.

A hand hits his mouth and slashes his lip: “Calf, I told you a thousand times not to make a sound while you eat!” Without making a sound, eat it.

-I apologize, mother, the voice came out of my mouth against my will, I will not repeat it.

He eats his morsel mixed with blood, and while humans may eat one morsel at a rate of a few seconds, Marwan’s destiny is to chew it for minutes sometimes, before swallowing it, his mouth moving slowly, turning the morsel between his teeth with caution and fear. He alternates between focusing on his mother’s hand and a glass of water next to her. The mother won’t give him a chance if he makes any unintentional sounds with his lips. A punch to the mouth or a squirt of water on his face will be the response.

-Did you know that this mule is six years old, and he still urinates in bed?

With these words, Alara attempted to treat Marwan’s involuntary urination while sleeping, which may be the result of what he perceives to be torment and suffering. She said these words to everyone who visited or left, including their neighbors, his teacher and classmates at school, and his neighbors’ friends, as the scandal is her successful method of psychological treatment for any issue he may be experiencing.

Those areas of the body that are usually covered by the dress, rich in sensory cells, Alara knows well, the upper thigh, the lower back, the back of the shoulder, and the breasts, are dyed blue and green in the boy’s body.

The most insignificant mistakes, enough to attack him by biting, sink her teeth into his soft body, as if a tiger managed to catch its prey, and as soon as the teeth settle in their place, the gnawing begins.

Inside her is strange energy, strength, unparalleled evil, shipments of anger moving from her body to his body through her teeth, and after minutes of screaming, wailing, crying, pleading, groveling, she let him go, leaving a large blue and green spot and raised teeth embedded in his skin.

Always remind him of what will happen if he repeats his action, which may be breaking a cup, or hitting a chair, by mistake.

Sleeping in safety for a moment, a loud slap in the face, jumping out of his sleep like a madman, what happened, mother! Why?!

-Don’t snore in your sleep, calf.

She continues her sleep, while he resists it, afraid to close his eyes again, so as not to wake up to a new slap.

Never-ending comparisons between him and his friends, saying things like, “This one is better than you, that one is more intelligent, don’t you look at yourself,” “When will you learn to be a polite boy like them,” “I wish you weren’t born,” “I wish I hadn’t conceived you,” and “You deprived me of the opportunity to have a son I could depend on.” I experienced what I did because of you. Your failure here astounds me every day. You are a failure with no future, and you hold no hope for the future.

-Listen, give me your entire attention, Marwan last night farted in his sleep, and the smell nearly made me pass out.

The women and their kids, who are of course Marwan’s friends, also laughed heartily along with Alara. The atmosphere was friendly, this jovial woman made a funny comment, and we enjoyed sitting around her since she has such a great sense of humor.

-O mother, I was embarrassed in front of them; consider the mother of this and that; do not hold her son responsible for anything in our presence.

-Mule, stop being so dramatic. It was only a joke, and we all laughed at it.

Alara is empty, petty, and ignorant; she lacks interesting topics to discuss in public; she wants to control every conversation; she must be the focal point of the evening; and Marwan is her abundant source of material for regaining control if it should err. One of the most crucial techniques to make the lights sparkle again is to mock him.

The boy learned not to argue because the argument will turn against him, and if he is spared from punishment, he will not be spared from mockery.

-Listen, pay attention to what I’m going to say; yesterday I found out for the first time that Marwan hides a delicate and sensitive soul behind this body. He was embarrassed when I told you that he farted in his sleep, and he only inherited such absurdities from his father—a body like an elephant and a soul like a nursing infant!

A chuckle breaks out, and Alara takes center stage once more.

In addition, she always has authorship as a fallback option if she is unable to find something hilarious.

In a split second, she concocts a falsehood about him, turns him into the evening’s biggest joke, and then seizes the lights.

You will not believe what happened two days ago. I was sleeping next to Marwan when warm water started flowing under me. I looked at him, and he was awake. This lazy person was unable to go to the bathroom, so he urinated on the bed!

Laughing mockery and jeering! That’s why you hit him that day? We heard his screams.

-Yes, I lost my mind when I found him urinating on himself while he was awake!

Marwan looks at her, not knowing what to say! This did not happen, a stupid lie, except that he prefers silence, so the last time he argued with her in front of people, and defended himself, the end was not what he wished for, as soon as they entered the house, until the torment began, blue and green spots all over his body, punishment for his insolence.

-Did you know that Marwan’s testicles are small?

You are an immoral liar, where do you get this from?

-We heard your mother this morning, the whole neighborhood heard her screaming at the top of her voice, ‘Move, mule,’ she said, ‘you’ll be late for school, you little balls!’ Are not you ashamed of them and yourself!

Some of the boys in the neighborhood hear Alara screaming at him every day, cursing him with the ugliest words, even sexual ones, blaming him for what she said was his small testicles! A young boy of his age! How big should they be?!

He is writhing on the ground and screaming in pain when a thin, flexible leather wire lashes down on him and slashed his back. He then crawled to her feet, clung to them, and kissed them.

-Stop, Mother, please take compassion on me for the love of God, for he cursed me, calling me the son of a bitch.

-You are to blame for the current state of affairs; if you hadn’t responded to him first, it would not have gotten to this point.

He tries to stop the other boy from grabbing his eraser in a fight that breaks out between him and another boy at school. This kind of fight occurs thousands of times a day amongst pupils and starts and ends fast.

The situation immediately turns into a fistfight as the child calls Marwan “the son of a whore.” However, because of the boy’s long nails, Marwan ends up looking as though a pack of wild cats attacked his face. The principal of the school requests the parents after this argument.

-Should I have let him steal the eraser?!

There is no answer, except for the sound of the wire tumbling in the air, then slashing his back.

-I swear to you, my mother, I will not do this again. I repented to God not to enter into any quarrels, even if I was oppressed or assaulted.

The word “oppressed” is meaningless, insufficient to end the torment, nor pleas and promises not to repeat the act or even the reaction to the injustice.

If a mother goes out of her phase and enters a state of punishment, nothing will stop her except that the state ends inside her, after a few minutes or an hour, which passes as if it were years.

She hits him harshly, bullies him, and causes him a state of psychological confusion, inconsistency, fear, constant tension, and anxiety about losing safety, losing control, and changing his condition at any moment without any introduction.

Returning from school, 200 meters away from the house, hiding behind the wall of a house, or taking a back road, ashamed to face the rest of the children, also returning from school.

A quarrel rages in the neighborhood, one of them insults and curses the other! She rambles in a vulgar manner

Alara quarrels with the grocer, or perhaps with one of the neighbors. The boy is ashamed to be seen by the neighborhood children. They may point fingers at him; This is Marwan, her son. At least the ones who do not know that she is his mother will get to know.

She makes mistakes, and if someone insults her, or things do not go as well as she hopes, she becomes as if a great shipment of evil explodes inside her, unable to take revenge, except for Marwan, who stalks him, and with the first mistake, she empties all her frustration and anger into him.

She does not stop accusing others of their honor, then she claims magnanimity and chivalry, she lies as she breathes. She is provocatively talkative; Her tongue does not stop speaking, and she has the ability to talk continuously for hours and hours, without getting tired, or bored.

She caused him embarrassment everywhere, in the neighborhood, school, airport, and plane, during their periodic visits to the father.

Not even an iota of shyness on her face, regardless of who is around or where she is, nothing prevents her from screaming, insulting, and scolding even if necessary.

A devil inhabits her. If she begins to get angry, her features change. This devil inside her appears evident in her face, a sparkle in her eyes, warning of an upcoming torment.

There is no escape from her, except for begging and groveling for her.

Kiss my hand apologetically, and kneel at my feet, what a shameless boy you are.

I wish I had not given birth to you; I wish you were not present; I wish I had let your father empty his lust anywhere other than my vagina!

He does not understand much of these insults and sexual heresy. He is too small for that, except that he wishes that no one had heard them. If they touched the ears of one of the children in the neighborhood, tomorrow they will be on the lips of all the school students.

He begged her, “Please, Mother, lower your voice”

Then he learns not to ask, not to try to dissuade her, because she gets mad if he tries to stop her. He swallows the torment and the scandal in silence.

In a strange way, she has a poor, weak face that she uses only when needed, she cries to arouse the pity of others, so whoever knows her from afar swears that she is a good woman who is helpless, bears burdens beyond her energy, struggles for her son, and her family.

A brilliant actress, a mean sly, a crafty liar, a deceiver who hates everyone.

She grew old quickly, and her luster which had fascinated Sardar, dimmed, an additional reason that prompted him to stay away from her for a longer time.

Alara has many faces, but beauty is no longer one of them.

Just as torment may come like a thunderbolt without any prior warning, bliss also comes suddenly.

Everything ends, the situation changes, the beatings, insults, bullying, and madness stop, with one phone call.

Alara becomes an ideal, unparalleled, loving, dedicated mother, keen on her son’s safety, concerned for his physical and psychological health, “Eat what you want the way you want, breathe as you please, don’t worry about anything, my son, you are the most important thing to me in this is life”.

This is after only minutes, from a phone call, by which Sardar says, that he is coming on vacation, and a family visit in a few days,” Get ready, Alara, and prepare the boy, how I miss him”.

The boy became for her a source of livelihood, even though he was her child, what a strangeness!

He is the only thing that binds Sardar to her, had it not been for him, he would have divorced her or abandoned her, and the endless waterfall of money transfers would have stopped, gifts would have stopped, and bliss would have gone unheeded.

In order to ensure that Marwan does not reveal anything to his father, intense doses of tenderness are required to make him forget what she did to him, perhaps to calm his nerves, for him and her, for a while.

She has nothing but money, and just as Zainab bought allegiances decades ago, Alara bought friends. She lavishly spends on them, and they lavishly compliment her in an unrivaled way. She is extravagant and indifferent, and everyone around her takes advantage of her. Therefore, who can bear her in the first place, unless he benefits from her?

Forgive me, Marwan, perhaps I have burdened you in recent months, but this is for your own good, my son. I want you to be a strong man. As you can see, your father is absent from us for months. I am alone here. I bear the burdens of raising you alone, how heavy it is for me to hit you and curse you, but life is not as beautiful as you might imagine it, it will betray you as soon as you trust it.

The poor boy believes her, and sleeps in her arms, how cruel life is, my mother knows my best interest more than I.

She constantly sends dozens of e-mails to her husband, reassuring him that his son is safe and sound, except that he is quarrelsome, stubborn, indifferent.

Some of the neighbors’ witness this, which forces her sometimes to lie to him when he refuses to enter the house for fear of punishment. Come here, don’t panic, Marwan, I won’t hit you. Your father has come from travel, he is waiting for you, and the boy rushes inside eagerly, looking for his father, only to find that there is nothing there but punishment.

She boasted about this tactic, which she uses to dupe him each time, in her letters to him and made light of Marwan’s ignorance in public. With the same ruse, she was able to lure him home 100 times.

The poor boy never learns, his love for his father blinds his heart and head, he forgets things easily, and he constantly falls into the same trap.

Indeed, the boy has not learned yet!

He unconsciously runs home, thinking the mother is being honest this time

Or perhaps it is hope, as hope seduces him

Perhaps she will be truthful at one time, and he will find him in front of him.

Finally, the father appears carrying gifts, a great deal of longing, and a ton of poetry.

Every morning, I see you, and every evening at dusk,

the breeze is carrying your scent, filling the air, as if your fragrant aromas, busk,

With a sharp tongue, talkative, and has numerous flaws.

fighting with them on reason, yet they’re ready for beating, you don’t get farther if you hear that clause,

since love blinds hearts, they trick you into believing your father is so close,

so, you sneak into the house in search of me, then every lie will expose.